7th October Build back b&%%£*^t

Once again just when you thought it couldn't get any worse Boris Johnson has shown everyone just which direction his moral compass is pointing. Faced with the decision whether to remove the £20 Universal Credit uplift for thousands of families who might be forced to choose between staying warn or staying fed, or choose to close the tax loophole that are regularly exploited by fat cat doners to Tory party funds, Boris has shown what levelling up really means.

Addressing the fawning and frothing masses, Mr Johnson explained the thinking behind his decision. "Phwah, whiff waff, blah, blah, blah, just because something is morally the right thing to do, it doesn't neccessarily mean that it should morally be done. And sometimes doing the unpopular thing, although very unpopular with loads and loads of people, will be very popular with all your mates and ex school chums."

"Post Covid we all have to tighten our belts, and this means difficult decisions must be made. Unlike other Prime Minister's before me, I, for one, am definitely prepared to make those difficult decisions Unless Carrie tells me it's not my decision to make in which case her decision is final."

"For example, many people thought that what Michael Gove did shaking his booty and dad dancing in an Aberdeen night club was against the spirit of how a grown man should behave in public but technically he didn't break the law. Except perhaps the laws of physics on occasions."

“I mean should we punish people who have used technicalities to avoid paying huge quantities of tax that could have funed the NHS or should we focus on taking money back out of the pockets of poor people who aren’t going to vote for us anyway and never, ever donate to our party?

“It’s a dilemma I’m sure lesser Prime Ministers would struggle with, but not me. So next week I am planning a nationwide tour to visit the home of every Universal Credit claimant and take the money from their pockets myself,in a move that will make Mrs Thatcher taking milk from children seem positively kind in comparison.”