21st October Heat pumps are just a lot of hot air


Despite Boris Johnson announcing plans to turn the UK into the greenest country since well erm Greenland, one 42 yr old  from Hucknall is not ready to install a heat pump just yet.

Whilst admitting that these energy alternatives are much better for the environment than the gas guzzlers most of us have at home, having just finished a four year Open University degree course just to understand how to make his gas boiler come on and off just when he wants it too, Barry Batterton intends to make the most of his new qualification.

Speaking to Grace Under Pressure's climatically controlled correspondent, Barry explained, "Trying to work out what all the symbols, letters and numbers were supposed to mean was like trying to solve the Davinci Code without the insight of Tom Hanks. The first year was spent trying to stop the heating coming on during the entire summer months. I spent the next 12 months trying to get it to come on at all." 

"Year three, well  it was just on 24/7 all year round with the house emiitting so much heat through the roof it was regularly raided by the police assuming I had a hydroponic marijuana growing factory in the attic. Finally in August this year, after 48 months of constant confusion I have finally cracked it. Only for Boris to now tell me to bin it."

"Don't get me wrong I'm all in favour of COP26 and plans to achieve net carbon zero emissions but that's not gonna happen here now that I've finally got this b$%£*&d under control. No more huddling under three duvets or sweating like a pig for me so 2035 will be fine with me. Unless of course they bump up the sweetner to cover the full cost in which case I'll tear it out tomorrow!"



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